Me Too, Mama

I was greeted this morning by an expectant face, asking the same question he asked me 500 times yesterday. No... not yet... stop asking!

I opened my Bible, desperate for Jesus to fill my cup, only to find a page covered in scribbles. I wanted to make you happy, Mama. I wrote my name for you. See my amazing drawing?

I'm trying to take just a few minutes to be alone, but hear my name called tearfully through the window. I don't want to go play... I want to be with you.

Today has been one of those unexpectedly rough days where I just don't want to be a stay-at-home mom. All day, I've just wanted to drink coffee uninterrupted, get lost on my phone, and nap. I even had a really sweet hour at the library and our local coffee shop with my kids, and I still felt depressed and discouraged. I wanted to throw my hands up, grab some chocolate, and give up.

Do you ever have days like this? Do you ever feel like your entire life is all for nothing? That you'd give anything to have just one day off from all the needs of little hearts and hands?

When everything seems to be falling apart, here are of few of the ways I pull myself back together (in no particular order). And just know, these are for me! I'm writing this right now because I need it most of all!

First, I try to find a few minutes to look through my frustrations to what is actually going on. I find if my children are occupied with food, playtime, or a movie, I can actually find a second to do this! Today I realized half-way through the day that our heaven-baby's birthday is today. Even when I forget what month it is, my heart somehow remembers deep down that it's a painful day. Of course, I'm off today. Of course I feel sad and want time alone.

Second, I spend time with Jesus. I have been learning a lot lately about preaching the gospel to myself and my children. Today, I've been clinging to the truth that Jesus knows and understands my heart. He also had days he struggled through. He had frustrating disciples who couldn't get basic ideas through their heads. He was followed around constantly too! Christ gave his life as a sacrifice for me. What a privilege, even on my hardest days, to imitate my Savior.

And third, if I can, I ask for help from those around me so I can rest. Tonight my kids have an event at a local church, so I'll be taking the baby to Target. You better believe I'll be spending a good long while in the Joanna Gaines aisle and buying a giant bag of candy corn just for me. On Saturday, I get to go to a local event without the big kids. (Turns out when you have 3, just keeping the baby is a break!)

Mama friend, I am here struggling with you. I know how hard these days are. I hope that you find rest today, and support from your community. Be encouraged that Jesus knows, even if no one else does.

When God Invites You To A New Season

I love the changing seasons, especially this time of year. I look forward to watching the leaves slowly slip from green to yellow to red. I love waking up to cooler temperatures. I'm excited to take my kids to the pumpkin patch and watch them trick-or-treat. I find I don't miss the hot weather or the pool parties of summer all that much.

I often think about my life in seasons: the college years; early marriage; motherhood with one, then two, then three. Our cross-country move has brought with it another new season. It's a season that echoes the changing leaves outside. I'm letting go of the sunny days of our vibrant Colorado community. My life has become quieter, more dormant, as we start fresh and grow new roots.

I'll be honest, this change has been painful. I'm lonely and I desperately miss what we left behind. I often think in terms of then versus now, comparing our new life to our old one and finding it comes up short on my imaginary measuring stick. If I could be granted a wish right now, it would be to take our new home and neighborhood (which I do in fact love more than any other in the world!), and move it back into our old town in Colorado. I want the best of both summer and fall, all at the same time.

It doesn't work like that, though, does it? To enjoy fall, you have to lose the hot days and green leaves of summer. Moving forward through the year, and our lives, involves letting go of old things to welcome the new. I don't like the letting go part-- I just want to welcome the new while clinging to the old.


As I work through these feelings and struggles with the Lord, He has given me a word for this new season: Nourish. Our last few years have been full to the point that our family is depleted. We were running on empty and pushing ourselves to the breaking point. A major reason for this move was to change that. God is asking me to take time to nourish myself and my family. He's asking me to be quiet and rest. To do less, not more. To sleep and read and write and soak in the beauty of our new surroundings. To spend quality time with each of my children, to strengthen my marriage, to refuel my own heart.

I know this season will not last forever. Soon we will slip into winter, then spring, then summer again. One day I will have the same amazing community that we had in Colorado. One day I won't feel like "the new girl" any longer. My hope in the meantime is that I don't miss what's happening right now, in this season. That I nourish my heart and my family for what is to come.

When Home Doesn't Feel Like Home

We have lived in North Carolina for a little over a month now. Our moving van arrived with all our possessions, overwhelming us with boxes. We have begun the process of registering ourselves as residents of NC, changing addresses, getting government documents in order. Eli has been at school for a few weeks now, while the girls and I have begun to establish routines.

And still, my days feel difficult, exhausting, and overwhelming. After a particularly rough day on Tuesday, I took a moment alone and realized what was making my day so difficult. I wanted to go home. You probably know the feeling; the ache in the pit of your stomach and the lump in your throat as you think about the comfort of whatever place you call home. Just seconds later, the realization hit me. I WAS home. I was standing in my new house, aching for a house we sold within a community we loved in a state we left. I've never experienced quite that level of displacement before. I suddenly felt unmoored, adrift across the country from everything I know and love.

As I have ruminated on these ideas this week, I realized the hardest part for me is the knowledge that I cannot go back. I cannot undo this move, I cannot catch up on what I have missed in Colorado. The only way through is forward. All I can do now is create a new life here, making new friends and creating new community.

I know that all this will come, just as it has in the many other places I have lived. But it still doesn't make it easier to be right here, right now. I'm reading this book with some dear CO friends about being brave, and the lesson couldn't be more timely. I'm realizing the great value of community, even when it's phone calls and Skype messages. I'm thanking Jesus for technology and for sweet friends who reach out to me throughout the days.

I feel small and afraid, but I know that the only way to stay the course is to stand up and be brave, trusting God each day, each moment. And so I raise my hands and bravely welcome a new life. It's terrifying, but it's also exciting. I know Jesus good things in store and much to teach me.

What about you? How are you being brave in your own life?

A Few of my Favorite Things: September

Well, friends, it's been an eventful month. I'm honestly quite exhausted and getting over a nasty cold. As we approach my very favorite time of the year, I hope you begin to pull back to home and find the quiet rest that comes with cooler weather. That's my hope for this season for you and for me! Here are a few of my favorites from September:

1. I ordered this rug for our playroom and I love it! It's not too loud, but still adds pattern and texture to the room. It's also WAY nicer than sitting on hardwood all day!
   
2. I haven't had as much of a chance to read this month as I would like, but I did read Rush by Lisa Patton. Anne from Modern Mrs Darcy (my favorite site for book rec's!) recommended it and I really enjoyed it. It's a lighter read, but tackles some legitimate, heavier issues.
   
3. Our new home and state is so different from Colorado that it's still taking me some time to feel at home. It's almost as if we are on an extended vacation. What's helped me the most is continuing to do "normal" things. We've found a new library. I wake up, drink coffee, and read. Slowly, slowly, it's starting to feel like home.
   
4. The weather here has still been warm, and I've never been one for summer clothes, so I've ordered a few new things lately. Maurice's is one of my favorite places for pretty tops, and they didn't disappoint. I ordered this striped tank plus a few others that are sold out. I love their fall styles too, so check them out as you add to your cool weather wardrobe!
   
5. Some friends and I are reading 100 Days to Brave together over the next few months. We've started it and I'm already so challenged to live bravely. And there is something so special about reading books with friends. I may not be in CO anymore, but our text group about the book is keeping me going on my homesick days.

What are you loving this month?

Across the Country

We made it! Our family moved from Colorado to North Carolina over the last month. We left Colorado on August 26, and since then our lives have been in uproar. We purchased a home here, so gratefully we've been able to live in it since we arrived. But our furniture took a lot longer to get here, so it arrives tomorrow! It's been a full month of sleeping on a mattress and eating on the floor. Plus, we weathered Hurricane Florence and Eli started school. So all that to say, things around here have been eventful!

The biggest gift over the last month has been the time our little family has spent together. Without our Colorado friends or relatives near by, we've been together basically 24/7. While that's certainly made us all a little crazy, it has also been very special. We have made memories together and truly feel like a closer family as we embark on our life here in North Carolina.

On the fun side, we are loving our new home's huge yard, being in a smaller town, the beautiful green outdoors, and our new home. On the not so fun side, we miss our Colorado community and I still have no idea where most things are.

At the end of the day, we are still so grateful and so excited for this change. Good things are happening!