Me Too, Mama

I was greeted this morning by an expectant face, asking the same question he asked me 500 times yesterday. No... not yet... stop asking!

I opened my Bible, desperate for Jesus to fill my cup, only to find a page covered in scribbles. I wanted to make you happy, Mama. I wrote my name for you. See my amazing drawing?

I'm trying to take just a few minutes to be alone, but hear my name called tearfully through the window. I don't want to go play... I want to be with you.

Today has been one of those unexpectedly rough days where I just don't want to be a stay-at-home mom. All day, I've just wanted to drink coffee uninterrupted, get lost on my phone, and nap. I even had a really sweet hour at the library and our local coffee shop with my kids, and I still felt depressed and discouraged. I wanted to throw my hands up, grab some chocolate, and give up.

Do you ever have days like this? Do you ever feel like your entire life is all for nothing? That you'd give anything to have just one day off from all the needs of little hearts and hands?

When everything seems to be falling apart, here are of few of the ways I pull myself back together (in no particular order). And just know, these are for me! I'm writing this right now because I need it most of all!

First, I try to find a few minutes to look through my frustrations to what is actually going on. I find if my children are occupied with food, playtime, or a movie, I can actually find a second to do this! Today I realized half-way through the day that our heaven-baby's birthday is today. Even when I forget what month it is, my heart somehow remembers deep down that it's a painful day. Of course, I'm off today. Of course I feel sad and want time alone.

Second, I spend time with Jesus. I have been learning a lot lately about preaching the gospel to myself and my children. Today, I've been clinging to the truth that Jesus knows and understands my heart. He also had days he struggled through. He had frustrating disciples who couldn't get basic ideas through their heads. He was followed around constantly too! Christ gave his life as a sacrifice for me. What a privilege, even on my hardest days, to imitate my Savior.

And third, if I can, I ask for help from those around me so I can rest. Tonight my kids have an event at a local church, so I'll be taking the baby to Target. You better believe I'll be spending a good long while in the Joanna Gaines aisle and buying a giant bag of candy corn just for me. On Saturday, I get to go to a local event without the big kids. (Turns out when you have 3, just keeping the baby is a break!)

Mama friend, I am here struggling with you. I know how hard these days are. I hope that you find rest today, and support from your community. Be encouraged that Jesus knows, even if no one else does.

When Home Doesn't Feel Like Home

We have lived in North Carolina for a little over a month now. Our moving van arrived with all our possessions, overwhelming us with boxes. We have begun the process of registering ourselves as residents of NC, changing addresses, getting government documents in order. Eli has been at school for a few weeks now, while the girls and I have begun to establish routines.

And still, my days feel difficult, exhausting, and overwhelming. After a particularly rough day on Tuesday, I took a moment alone and realized what was making my day so difficult. I wanted to go home. You probably know the feeling; the ache in the pit of your stomach and the lump in your throat as you think about the comfort of whatever place you call home. Just seconds later, the realization hit me. I WAS home. I was standing in my new house, aching for a house we sold within a community we loved in a state we left. I've never experienced quite that level of displacement before. I suddenly felt unmoored, adrift across the country from everything I know and love.

As I have ruminated on these ideas this week, I realized the hardest part for me is the knowledge that I cannot go back. I cannot undo this move, I cannot catch up on what I have missed in Colorado. The only way through is forward. All I can do now is create a new life here, making new friends and creating new community.

I know that all this will come, just as it has in the many other places I have lived. But it still doesn't make it easier to be right here, right now. I'm reading this book with some dear CO friends about being brave, and the lesson couldn't be more timely. I'm realizing the great value of community, even when it's phone calls and Skype messages. I'm thanking Jesus for technology and for sweet friends who reach out to me throughout the days.

I feel small and afraid, but I know that the only way to stay the course is to stand up and be brave, trusting God each day, each moment. And so I raise my hands and bravely welcome a new life. It's terrifying, but it's also exciting. I know Jesus good things in store and much to teach me.

What about you? How are you being brave in your own life?

Perfection is Exhausting

I'm finally sitting down tonight after a long day in a long week with my kids. Ben has been out of town almost every night this week. Our house has been on the market for four weeks, in a city where selling a house usually takes a weekend. I am exhausted. I am so tired of keeping our house perfectly clean and juggling three kids all by myself.

I've been especially frustrated this week because the whole point of this move is so that I don't have to do it all anymore. I keep hoping an adult will step in and say "It's ok, let me take care of this for you." And then I realize, I'm the adult.

Over the past years I've been loving, parenting, leading, teaching, ministering, shouldering burdens, homemaking, and so many more things. I've struggled so much with the need to be perfect, and the false belief that I have to do all the things to be worthy of love. (Anyone else an Enneagram 1?)

As Ben and I have prayed through this move, we have intentionally set aside both of our striving and goal-driven ideals to do what is best for our family. We are stepping out of what is comfortable and our need to be perfect. We are choosing to raise our kids in a way we believe will serve them well throughout their lives.

But after so much prayer and agonizing decision making, we stand here. Ready to go, plans in order. But our house hasn't sold. Some of our plans are looking different than we expected. I assumed following God's lead for us to move across the country meant everything would fall in to place. I assumed it would be a perfect move. Instead, I'm desperately trying to keep our house perfect while I fall apart.

Isn't it funny how God uses specific life events to teach us lessons? Here I am struggling with perfection in the midst of literally struggling for perfection. I cannot keep my house pristine and still be a sane human. I also cannot keep my life flawless in every area and have a healthy soul.

In a whole new way, I'm seeing that I desperately need God's grace. He has called me to holiness through the blood of Christ, not perfection. Those two are vastly different. And so I pray, I dig into His word, and I daily moment-by-moment ask for His grace in the midst of my gaping imperfections.

I Am Afraid of Myself

I am afraid of myself on my darkest days.
And even sometimes on my good days too.

I am afraid of facing my real life.
I sleep instead of finding time for what mattes.

I am afraid of losing my temper with my kids.
I scroll through my phone rather than engaging in play.

I am afraid of my post-three-pregnancies body.
I dress is stretchy pants and flowy shirts to hide my supposed flaws.

I am afraid to fail.
I eat dessert to avoid facing the challenge of a healthy lifestyle.

I am afraid of who I have become.
I put on makeup each day to cover deep fears and flaws.

I am afraid of my potential.
I make excuses rather than pursuing my dreams.

I am afraid of myself.
I choose silence over speaking out.

And yet.

I find courage in Jesus.
I spend time in worship, prayer, and Scripture.

I find courage in community.
I make time for deep and honest friendships.

I find courage in the women around me.
I watch others speak out and begin to use my voice.

I find courage in myself.
I push through the struggle to the strength I have inside.


I discover that at the end of it all, my fear is eclipsed by courage.

Bible // Journal // Phone Case