Thursday, August 2, 2018

Perfection is Exhausting

I'm finally sitting down tonight after a long day in a long week with my kids. Ben has been out of town almost every night this week. Our house has been on the market for four weeks, in a city where selling a house usually takes a weekend. I am exhausted. I am so tired of keeping our house perfectly clean and juggling three kids all by myself.

I've been especially frustrated this week because the whole point of this move is so that I don't have to do it all anymore. I keep hoping an adult will step in and say "It's ok, let me take care of this for you." And then I realize, I'm the adult.

Over the past years I've been loving, parenting, leading, teaching, ministering, shouldering burdens, homemaking, and so many more things. I've struggled so much with the need to be perfect, and the false belief that I have to do all the things to be worthy of love. (Anyone else an Enneagram 1?)

As Ben and I have prayed through this move, we have intentionally set aside both of our striving and goal-driven ideals to do what is best for our family. We are stepping out of what is comfortable and our need to be perfect. We are choosing to raise our kids in a way we believe will serve them well throughout their lives.

But after so much prayer and agonizing decision making, we stand here. Ready to go, plans in order. But our house hasn't sold. Some of our plans are looking different than we expected. I assumed following God's lead for us to move across the country meant everything would fall in to place. I assumed it would be a perfect move. Instead, I'm desperately trying to keep our house perfect while I fall apart.

Isn't it funny how God uses specific life events to teach us lessons? Here I am struggling with perfection in the midst of literally struggling for perfection. I cannot keep my house pristine and still be a sane human. I also cannot keep my life flawless in every area and have a healthy soul.

In a whole new way, I'm seeing that I desperately need God's grace. He has called me to holiness through the blood of Christ, not perfection. Those two are vastly different. And so I pray, I dig into His word, and I daily moment-by-moment ask for His grace in the midst of my gaping imperfections.

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