I Am Afraid of Myself

I am afraid of myself on my darkest days.
And even sometimes on my good days too.

I am afraid of facing my real life.
I sleep instead of finding time for what mattes.

I am afraid of losing my temper with my kids.
I scroll through my phone rather than engaging in play.

I am afraid of my post-three-pregnancies body.
I dress is stretchy pants and flowy shirts to hide my supposed flaws.

I am afraid to fail.
I eat dessert to avoid facing the challenge of a healthy lifestyle.

I am afraid of who I have become.
I put on makeup each day to cover deep fears and flaws.

I am afraid of my potential.
I make excuses rather than pursuing my dreams.

I am afraid of myself.
I choose silence over speaking out.

And yet.

I find courage in Jesus.
I spend time in worship, prayer, and Scripture.

I find courage in community.
I make time for deep and honest friendships.

I find courage in the women around me.
I watch others speak out and begin to use my voice.

I find courage in myself.
I push through the struggle to the strength I have inside.


I discover that at the end of it all, my fear is eclipsed by courage.

Bible // Journal // Phone Case

A few of my favorite things: July

Happy Friday! July has been a HOT month for us. I've found myself drawn to quiet and cool indoor things. Although our days at the pool have been a favorite too.

(Matching shirts are from OshKosh, doll is from BlaBla.)

Affliate links used in this post. If you buy through the links, know I am grateful for your support!

Here are few things I'm loving this month:

The Lola Quartet by Emily St. John Mandel
This book was recommended to me by Modern Mrs. Darcy- my favorite blog for new reads! I love this line from page one, " The story has drawn me in and kept me guessing. It switches between characters without getting too confusing, and I can tell it's getting closer to a final reveal as I get deeper into the book. I'll let you know what I think when I finish it!

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie on Amazon Prime Video
Between house showings and a stomach bug, we've been relying on movies more than normal. This one is a favorite of both kids and me!

Creating Space for Quiet
It's so easy for me to turn to social media, audiobooks, or a movie when I have free time. I've been working to create more space to read, journal, and pray lately. I've seen such a difference in my daily attitude.

Summer Maxi Dress
I've been living in this dress (I have it in gray). It feels like pajamas but looks so much more polished. I'm thinking I'll try it with a belt for a different look sometime.

Puddle Jumper Floaties
One of my friends has a pool at her apartment complex and we've been going about once a week all summer. I'll be honest, the idea of swimming with three kids totally terrified me until my friend told me about these puddle jumpers. Now I can enjoy the pool and so can the kids.


What are you loving this month?

Hello Again

Gilmore Girls: Season One, Episode One. The perfect background to resuming blogging. "If you lead me, I will follow..."

I always dream of living somewhere like Stars Hollow and being friends with Lorelai and Rory. I think about quiet days, small towns, humor, and all the things Gilmore Girls bring. I hope to be the Allen girls someday. I also realized that Lorelai is only a year older than me. AND SHE HAS A 16 YEAR OLD. Well then, back to my own life!

So here we are again. After a season of silence, I've been encouraged by a few friends to reopen my blog. If you haven't followed me on Instagram (@thedomesticengineer), I've been learning all about mothering three kids, spending time with Jesus, reading good books, and how to manage the stress of a cross-country move. I am excited to share all about of this with you and more!

So comment below, tell me what you've been up to and what you would like to hear about!

Books and Shows for a Cozy Fall

Fall always brings me home. Candles, warm blankets, sweaters, and a general homebody sort of feeling. We've had a surprisingly warm fall here in Colorado this year, but it doesn't make me any less ready to next for the cooler months.

This "nesting" that happens every fall brings with it a new round of books and television shows that I enjoy. After being outside most of the summer, it's a nice change of pace to curl up on my couch. Here are a few of my favorites right now...

Books



The Best of Everything by Rona Jaffe

I found this book on a "Books Every Woman Should Read" list and I haven't been disappointed. It's the story of five young women embarking upon careers in NYC during the 1950s. It is a good reminder of how far women have come in the workplace, and also a beautiful reminder of the idealism of young women. I wouldn't call it a "clean read" but I do think it's worth your time.



Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full by Gloria Furman

I have never read a book on motherhood with so much truth on every page. Gloria ties motherhood back to Christ and shows how our role as mothers actively brings the Gospel into the world and into our homes. I have been challenged and encouraged on every page and I highly recommend it!



Dear Mr. Knightly by Katherine Reay

I am a huge Jane Austen fan, but as a rule I don't read knock-offs of the originals. However, this came highly recommended by my favorite Modern Mrs. Darcy so I gave it a try. I wasn't disappointed! The story is about a young women struggling to find herself and make a life in the midst of her personal pain. She writes letters to the anonymous Mr. Knightly and through the book you get to watch her grow into a new version of herself. It's a beautiful story and a quick, enjoyable read.

TV Shows

The Blacklist on Netflix

Ben and I are addicted to this crime drama. I love shows that have a longer plot that unfolds throughout the seasons and this show does not disappoint. It is a little scary and graphic at times so be aware.

This Is Us

I don't normally watch new shows until they arrive on Netflix but this one was worth the exception. It's only four episodes in, and I'm already loving this sweet family of triplets and their parents. As a parent myself I identify so much with this drama. I'm excited to see how the show unfolds.

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life

THE PREIVEWS!!! This new GG installment comes out November 25 and I can't wait. A new preview was released yesterday and I'm even more excited than I was before! Expect me to disappear for a few days at the end of November.


What are you reading or watching?

Strength in the Struggle of Motherhood

It's been one of those days weeks when the husband is out of town and the children are crazy and I just. can't. take. it. Do you have those too? I find myself falling in to bed exhausted every night, only to be awakened by a crying toddler a few hours later. Today I asked my friend if it was too early to drink wine-- at noon. She loves me very much and didn't judge. We ate fruit snacks with the kids instead.

But seriously, motherhood is HARD. It is all day, all week exhausting, and it sometimes seems like the phase will never end.

I'm reading a book right now called Treasuring Christ When Your Hands are Full. The author writes that the gospel is for us a mothers. Christ's death and resurrection have real, concrete meaning on how we parent every day. As I literally lay down my life for my children, it is a reminder of what Christ has done for me.

This week, when you're overwhelmed too, remember the One who laid everything down for you. He promises to give us strength when we're hiding from our kids in the bathroom, or cleaning up poop again, or just trying to make it through a day with little people.

Jesus loves you, mama, and He promises to guide you gently through this season of life (Isaiah 40:11).