Thursday, October 4, 2018

When Home Doesn't Feel Like Home

We have lived in North Carolina for a little over a month now. Our moving van arrived with all our possessions, overwhelming us with boxes. We have begun the process of registering ourselves as residents of NC, changing addresses, getting government documents in order. Eli has been at school for a few weeks now, while the girls and I have begun to establish routines.

And still, my days feel difficult, exhausting, and overwhelming. After a particularly rough day on Tuesday, I took a moment alone and realized what was making my day so difficult. I wanted to go home. You probably know the feeling; the ache in the pit of your stomach and the lump in your throat as you think about the comfort of whatever place you call home. Just seconds later, the realization hit me. I WAS home. I was standing in my new house, aching for a house we sold within a community we loved in a state we left. I've never experienced quite that level of displacement before. I suddenly felt unmoored, adrift across the country from everything I know and love.

As I have ruminated on these ideas this week, I realized the hardest part for me is the knowledge that I cannot go back. I cannot undo this move, I cannot catch up on what I have missed in Colorado. The only way through is forward. All I can do now is create a new life here, making new friends and creating new community.

I know that all this will come, just as it has in the many other places I have lived. But it still doesn't make it easier to be right here, right now. I'm reading this book with some dear CO friends about being brave, and the lesson couldn't be more timely. I'm realizing the great value of community, even when it's phone calls and Skype messages. I'm thanking Jesus for technology and for sweet friends who reach out to me throughout the days.

I feel small and afraid, but I know that the only way to stay the course is to stand up and be brave, trusting God each day, each moment. And so I raise my hands and bravely welcome a new life. It's terrifying, but it's also exciting. I know Jesus good things in store and much to teach me.

What about you? How are you being brave in your own life?

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